If we used to pay attention to glances and body posture, now on Instagram or WhatsApp we value the frequency of interactions, the use of emojis, and the speed of response. The digital universe also has its own codes to determine if the other person feels the same interest or not.
A New Way to Communicate
Pedro and María had their first dates in the late 1990s. They would meet at a café, have something to drink, and chat. Between sentences, there would be a fleeting glance accompanied by a knowing smile, a hand that lightly brushed against a leg at a certain moment, bodies leaning forward as a sign of closeness. All these nonverbal communication signals added a lot of information to the conversation they were having. Clara and Laura are around 20 years old and are getting to know each other today, with intense communication through a messaging app or social network. All those gestures and glances that were so important to Pedro and María are now, in their own way, transferred to the digital world in the form of signals that are what is called Digital Body Language (DBL).
With conversations through digital media, the need arose to add intonation to written phrases, and with it, emoticons and then emojis appeared. In the study Deciphering Digital Body Language and the Gen-Z in New Normal, published last January, they concluded that “non-verbal graphics (emojis) change the context of written communication and both the sender and receiver understand the words and sentences behind the nonverbal signals.” Now, with DBL, we go one step further by adding more digital nonverbal signals to the use of emojis, such as frequency, response time, and message length, among others.
The Importance of Digital Body Language in Relationships
The online dating app Hinge has studied the use of this type of digital language among its users and found that most (77%) considered that a match’s digital language revealed a lot about their intentions, 69% took it into account when deciding whether to continue with the relationship, and 56% admitted to having analyzed those signals too much in some cases. With this data — published in early February 2024 —, their study indicates that “good DBL is essential to avoid confusion, reduce pre-dating anxiety and provide peace of mind before and after dates.” Digital Body Language adds attitudes, intentions, and emotions.
It’s important to know how to read what’s not said out loud (or written), so to begin understanding DBL, you need to know what signals fall within this digital nonverbal language. Some of them are who starts the conversation, the frequency of messages, the time of day they are sent, how long it takes to respond, the length, the use of emojis (and which ones), interactions on social networks, the reaction to Instagram stories, and what type of images are uploaded to the networks. All this gives clues about where the relationship is going. But these signals are not a universal language, and not even emojis have a single common meaning for everyone. Gender, age, and culture influence their interpretation, so, as in nonverbal communication, misunderstandings can arise if both people do not interpret the signals in the same way. For one person, taking a day to respond can be a lot, for another, it’s normal; using emojis can be a sign of closeness for some and superficiality for others; not starting conversations can be interpreted as disinterest or be a sign of shyness; sending the flame icon can mean it’s hot or passionate… and so on. There is no user manual.
Have you heard that putting a period at the end of a sentence is equivalent to being angry in the new communication codes? Ask your young relatives.
A clear and direct communication is recommended to avoid misunderstandings. If we are starting a relationship with someone, we can talk about mobile phone usage routines, how long it takes to respond, notify if we are going to be unavailable, adjust expectations about frequencies… If something is not fully understood, it is better to ask directly than to stick with an interpretation of your own that may be far from the meaning the other person gives it.
The Role of Generation Z
Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, provides a series of ideas on how to use DBL to help rather than harm. “Don’t assume that lack of texting indicates lack of interest. Of course, it can be a sign of how someone feels about you, but it’s not always the case. Instead, pay attention to the actions and intentions behind their words.” He also emphasizes the importance of positive reinforcement: if you enjoy hearing from someone, letting them know how much you appreciate a message from them can help that behavior to be repeated. And if someone doesn’t like digital communication and the other person needs more contact, you can agree to send something simple, a simple emoji or a meme, that means an “I’m thinking of you.”
Generation Z is the one that takes DBL most into account in their relationships. People born after 1995, belonging to Generation Z, have lived in a connected world, where mobile phones are an extension of themselves and serve for everything from information and entertainment to relationships. Some usage data suggests that 95% of people in this group have a mobile phone, 55% use it five hours or more a day, and 26% reach 10 or more hours a day. With all this, it is not surprising that it is Generation Z, according to the Hinge study, that takes DBL most into account when determining a person’s interest and who also uses digital signals the most. One example is that those who were around twenty showed more intention than members of the previous generation in “playing hard to get” by consciously delaying response time to avoid appearing too anxious. Millennials, on the other hand, were 50% less likely to adopt this attitude.
But all this is not just a matter of a young generation. María, who is now 46, is starting a relationship with Alberto and they send each other messages with emojis, they write to each other frequently, they reply quickly, and they follow each other on social networks, where they put a heart on each other’s posts. Digital body language adds nuances and can generate anything from warmth to insecurities. An emoji can be worth more than a thousand words.